Down the Rabbit Hole...

I came home from seeing Alice in Wonderland Sunday night in a really weird mood. Good movies always really suck me into their world and I stay in that world for a while afterward. My mood wasn't just because of the movie, though. I'd been in a gloomy, thoughtful, weird mood for a while and I had a school assignment that was stressing me out. So, Sunday night, in this weird mood, I had all these crazy thoughts in my head that I suddenly wanted to write down. I haven't been writing in any kind of journal lately, so it was a good release to write some stuff out of my head.

These ramblings probably won't make any sense to you, but I thought I'd share. I started out writing somewhat poetically, but soon I was just writing down faster than I could think all these crazy thoughts. Here's a peek into my clearly deranged mind...

looking for the rabbit hole
an escape from this place
this life isn't mine
not where I belong
where am I?
who am I?

I'm bad with time
never know how to manage it,
what to do with it
how do you count something
you cannot see?
how do you understand something
you cannot feel?
it doesn't exist
what is it?
things happen.
one after the other
at the same time.
same time, different places.
what is space?
what is keeping me from you?
where am i?
my location is defined
by my distance from you

when you're not around
you don't exist.
do i exist?
does the rest of the
world exist outside this room?
does the time keep passing
for the rest of the world
when it seems to stop
alone in my room?

the speed of time is
perceived. subjective.
does everyone have their own speed?
how can we measure
time when its speed
is different for each person?

can i stop time?
can i speed it up?
what is the future?
the future will never happen
the past doesn't exist.
there's only now.
and memories of the past
the only way you know
what happened is by
remembering it
but memories are subjective
they change every time
you remember them
so how can anyone
ever know what really

if the past is only
our memories, then
either the past doesn't
exist or whatever we
remember must have
so who are they to call people crazy?
their memories are their memories
one cannot challenge
someone else's memories
no one can ever know
what another human's
senses have perceived

we're only memories
memories of what our
5 senses have sensed
and what our minds
have thought.
what is the mind?
what are thoughts?
where do they come from?
what are we?
souls? spirits? life?
atoms. electricity.
god. nothing.
why are we here,
experiencing things?
do these experiences
mean anything?

what is my life?

actions have consequences
consequences that will
happen in the future
but the future will
become the past.
the consequences will
just be memories
memories are subjective
memories can be forgotten
if the past only exists
in memories and we
forget the memories
then did it happen?
yes, because the consequences
are our present
and other pasts
but we can never know
every consequence
of an action
we cannot trace everything
that happens back to
the thing that caused it
which is why everything
appears to happen
for no reason
there is a reason
we just don't know it
everything is connected
we just don't know
each connection.

life. consciousness.
bodies. other people.
interactions. actions.
if i don't make any
contact with other
people i don't exist
in that time because
there are no memories
of me. but my own.
when i'm alone i don't
exist to the world.
i'm in my own world
it's hard to go into
other people's worlds
after being in mine for
a long period of time

but, what is time?
time in my world is
different than time in
the outside world
but when i go back
to the outside world
does my time spent
in my world match
up to their time?
i could be much older
in my world than in
theirs since i spend
more time in mine.
maybe that's why i'm
much wiser in my
world than in theirs.
in their world, i'm
stunted, retarded,
i don't know how to
function and navigate
in that world
as well as mine
i fit in my world and
things fit me
bringing people into
my world - no -
merging my world
with someone else's
is difficult. they
never seem to fit.

maybe that's what soul
mates are. souls whose
worlds can merge
together and become
one world where
they both fit
my life doesn't fit
with anyone's. not
even my best friends'

sometimes i wish i could
just stay in my world
i never like the worlds
other people create for me
i don't like the outside
world controlled by

excuse me while i
put my life, my world
on pause. while i attend
to things for their
world. my life in their
unfortunately i cannot
escape being a part of
their world
it's life. mine and how
i share it with the
rest of the world.

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