I didn't know what to write today. Yes, today, the day I need to have this done. Because I am a procrastinator and it would just be too easy for me to take time on the weekend to write. Nothing on my mind today (that I'm ready to write about) so, here's a story.
So, I thought (incorrectly) that swiping through dating apps (Bumble and Tinder, if anyone cares to know) would help me move on or whatever. Like, seeing that there are "other fish in the sea" would give me hope and help me up out of my "I'll never love again!" depression. Well, surprise, surprise; everyone is garbage. Seriously, Ottawa. You are full of mediocre white men holding dead fish. I am not impressed. And I think I must not be my type of woman's type. I never match with many women but every man I swipe right on is a match.
This was in December, which was way too early for me to be looking to date (in my grieving process, I mean) and also the most terrible time of year to date. Right before Christmas? Awkward timing. Everyone's busy. When I did match with someone, she said "How are you this evening?" and I stared at the text bubble and thought of my honest response: I'm sad and lonely. So, I realized I am in no place to even be entertaining the idea of dating right now and I should just delete the apps and try again later.
It wasn't much later, but when my Christmas break from work started, I guess my thinking was that my two week break would be a good time for dates to happen, if they were to happen. So, I ended up on Saturday before New Year's with two dates booked; a coffee date with Monique and a drinks date with Patrick. (Not changing the names, who the fuck cares.) You know us bisexuals, we always gotta have one of each on the go. That's how it works. Coffee date went fine. Fine as in we got our drinks, we sat and talked, and although I felt pretty much right away that I would never want to hang out with this girl again, it's pretty easy to sit and chat with another woman. After an hour, we said nice to meet you and never texted each other again. Fine.
My date with Patrick was at 8pm... I was home by 8:30pm. I was a bit late because I didn't want to be early. Found him at the bar, we said hello, and I immediately knew I didn't like him. Look, we'd been texting for a couple days. He seemed to get my sense of humour (not match it, but go along with it at least) which isn't so much of a sense of humour as it is I'm a bitch and people think I must be joking but I really am a bitch that hates everything. So, I thought there was potential; we got along, he was decently attractive, he was a musician so we both had creative pursuits. But then he opened his mouth. It wasn't his voice, exactly, it was his tone. Perhaps you've met someone like this. He spoke in a tone/cadence/something that someone would use when they are speaking to a crowd. A self-important, slightly patronizing, public speaker. I was very turned off and quite baffled. The bartender asked for my drink order before I even sat down, so here I was feeling an awful mix of alcohol (sipping too often to cover awkward pauses) and anxiety in my stomach. How was I going to get through the hour it would take me to slowly sip this drink (very low alcohol tolerance) with this guy I couldn't stand to talk to? I tried. A little. I didn't have it in me (I never do) to fake pleasant small talk. What a waste of time to get to know this guy and tell him about me when I know I'll never see him again. So, as usual with me, he carried the conversation. I'm bad at remembering to reciprocate questions but I managed to a few times. And he would take a good three seconds to think about his answer and then give, in that speech-giving voice, a overly-detailed-self-important answer. I mean, he was a vinyl snob. I cannot handle a guy telling me about how vinyl just feels different and you really appreciate the music when you just sit and listen to an album. I had a smirk on my face the whole time as I tried not to just laugh at him and roll my eyes.
So, between my lack of questions and my short answers, he could tell I wasn't into him. But this is what finally broke him. He was telling me about the kids he teaches guitar and said he got lots of drawings from them for Christmas and he asked if he could show them to me... (Hi, reader, if you don't know me, allow me to fill you in on something fundamental to my personality; I hate kids. Don't want to see them, hear about them, be around them, no thank you, they are tiny demons. Oh, also about me; I just really don't know how to talk to people who aren't already my best friend. I sometimes act too casual with new people and forget my acquaintance manners, you know, like using inside jokes or assuming they know stuff going on in my life. Okay, so back to the story.) I was so thrown off my someone offering me something I so obviously would hate, what came out was "...Will I hate them?" (aka I WILL HATE THEM) And he was like "What? I don't know." "What are they like bad drawings of you and a guitar?" "Ya, pretty much." and I, dreading anything that would make this awkward date worse just said "No, I don't want to see terrible drawings by children!" He didn't laugh about that as much as I did, no surprise. Awkward silence, sip drink, before I could think of a change in conversation he asked for our bills, put down his cash, grabbed his coat, saying "Nice to meet you" and left.
The relief! Bless you, sir. It would have taken me much longer to get the courage to just bluntly say "Well, this isn't going anywhere, I think we're done." Thank god he just got up and left! I looked around like, did anyone see that and should I feel embarrassed? Because I just felt the least anxious I had all day, it was practically euphoric. So, I just took my time to take one last sip, pay my bill, get bundled up for the cold and left. I just chuckled to myself as I walked home thinking "Well, I got my first bad date story." Okay, I also thought "Confirmed: I am a miserable cunt who drives men away and he (my ex) is the only person who could ever love me so I will never love again and die alone."
I levelled out a few days later and came to a more sane conclusion of simply; I am not ready to and/or interested in dating. So, back to the usual ice cold black hearted Tish you all know and love. Fine by me. I have better things to do than deal with date induced anxiety stomach pain.
Quite proud of myself, frankly, for driving someone away by simply being myself. If you can't handle me at my merciless mocking, you don't deserve me at my... I honestly can't think of anything good I could bring to a relationship if you don't enjoy dark sarcastic mockery...
Stevie gets it.
See you next Tuesday.
