So, I’ve been meaning to start writing Tuesdays with Tish, which started many years ago as a weekly vlog, as a weekly personal blog post/essay/newsletter-type thing for a while. I’ve been writing bits n pieces for that while, but had that debut anxiety I guess. Knowing I never keep up with various series that I start (See: Everything I’ve done on YouTube and this blog) means I already know how this will end before it begins. When I saw that the first day of the calendar year happened to be a Tuesday, I figured I’d roll with the New Year clichés and start something at the beginning of the year with the intention of continuing consistently throughout the year. I guess we’ll just see how that goes.
I do my yearly reflections and goal-setting around my birthday, but for the sake of a theme let’s pretend January 1st means new beginnings, etc. Setting a point, like the beginning of the calendar, as a before/after point means there are things ending and things beginning. And some things that just continue. Changing everything doesn’t make sense when some things are still working for you. So, I’ve been thinking about what I’m leaving behind in 2018 and what I’m bringing with me into 2019.
The biggest thing I’m leaving behind in 2018 is the one I most unwillingly have to leave behind. I was in love. The relationship, and the potential of the relationship, ended abruptly two months ago. I’ll be able to write about it someday. Not today. And, so, I bring with me into 2019 a complete disinterest in dating. I did actually go on a date just a few days ago and it only confirmed that I am a) a miserable bitch that hates everyone and no one can stand to be around and b) not ready to date. At least I got my first Bad Date story out of it.
I’m leaving hair bleach in 2018. I got my roots done black yesterday so I can let my colorful hair grow out and eventually it will be just black again and I will have my non-bleach-damaged hair back. So silky and smooth. I’m bringing my wardrobe into 2019. My exclusively black, white, and grey (but mostly black) wardrobe that has been losing graphic tees and gaining blouses over the year. I own pants that are not jeans now. I’m a grown-ass lady, I tell myself.
The identity of “introvert” really helped me be comfortable with myself throughout my twenties. I soaked up all the introvert memes that made me feel understood and validated my socializing style. Socializing with groups is draining, but one-on-one connections are fulfilling. My social anxiety eased up along with this as I stopped worrying about being the weird quiet girl standing in a group and started confidently standing there quietly because I just didn’t want to talk and I knew that’s okay. But, lately, “introvert” isn’t feeling right. I’ve started wondering if I’m not actually an extravert with social anxiety. Because the thing is; I love attention. In fact some of my social discomfort can come from feeling ignored when I want attention. Okay, this is a bigger issue, clearly, but as I work on my anxiety shit, I am going to let go of “introvert” as an excuse for behaviour, or as a limitation in my behaviour. In 2019, I give myself permission to be extraverted when I so feel like it. And work on what is my personal socializing style and what is that pesky rude anxiety telling me what to do.
Last year, I let go of the idea that I am, or will be, or want to be a “YouTuber”. For one, that doesn’t really exist anymore. Or not in the way it did when I started YouTube and wanted it to be my way to other things. Because that’s the thing- I never really wanted to be a YouTuber. I wanted to do what YouTubers were doing post-YouTube. But I thought I had to start with YouTube. I could never stomach doing the trendy YouTube stuff, anyway, so I wasn’t trying very hard, was I? Last year, I just made a few videos for fun. I had a vision for a song so I just made it. So, bye YouTuber, hello, maybe, Filmmaker? Video Essayist? I got some ideas, but as you know, I struggle with follow through.
A big personal thing that I am glad to be bringing into the new year with me is my Core Desired Feelings. Danielle LaPorte created this system of identifying how you want to feel and using that to guide your goals and life. I settled on three words that felt right; joy, accomplishment, connection. That’s how I want to feel and how I feel when I do the things I already know I love to do. Winter’s not the easiest time to dig your way out from a depression hole (S.A.D. is real, folks) but I am ready to keep my focus on my CDF as I leave things behind and look forward to new goals.
Alright, that’s all I got today. I’m going to go get a fresh start on the new year by doing laundry, I guess.
See you next Tuesday.
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